


The Courage To Be - complete

by Karfraegh18



Category: Kane (Band), Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-15
Updated: 2010-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-03 04:08:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8696017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karfraegh18/pseuds/Karfraegh18
Summary: This is a sequel to The Coat We Wear.  It is probably a good idea to read that first otherwise things will not make much sense.Summary: Jensen is back at Churches, coming to terms with his dad, his addictions and the terrible accident that left Jared scarred and alone so many years before. He can’t see why Jared would want him and wants to be a better person, but doesn’t know where to start. He enrols into college to extend his law degree, works hard at Churches, anything to fix himself. Jared can see a lot more than Jensen thinks, knows Jensen is stronger than he thinks and wants to move things on a lot quicker than Jensen allows him to. It is only when a child called Gabriel, hurt and running from his family, arrives at Churches that Jensen begins to find his way but how long will Jared wait?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

Jared grasped Jensen’s hand, feeling the stubborn pull back as he tried to guide him to the stairs.

 

“Coffee?” Jared offered gently, even as Jensen’s closed his eyes and came to a stop at the base of the stairs, digging in to cease the relentless tugging from the taller man.

 

“No…Jared…I’m sorry I can’t, I’m not ready for… ” Jensen’s voice was low, measured, honesty dripping from every syllable. He had learnt in rehab that honesty was the only crutch he should have, and who was he to disagree with what they said. He needed to be honest to himself, honest with his family, honest with Jared. He opened his eyes again, looking up at Jared’s worried frown, not really knowing how to word everything that was inside him without it sounding childish, like he had to stick to the rules of ABC else he was going to be grounded. He reached up with his free hand, the other still gripped in Jared’s huge paw, and gently touched the scars on Jared’s face, so gently, just tracing the raised flesh that disappeared under his hairline and down his neck under his sweat top. It was him that had put those scars there, leaving Jared for dead in the snow so many years before, it was _him_ that had damaged this man beyond repair. He still couldn’t see past that.

 

Every day he was paying for it, every…single…damn…day...and he knew that was what he deserved. He so much wanted _more_ for Jared and him, wanted the possibility of a happy ever after, but how was he going to achieve that when he was still so damn broken inside? Jared was looking at him, with the same tender understanding that Jensen always saw in his friend… _boyfriend?_ …an understanding that Jensen couldn’t even begin to comprehend. Jared leaned his face into the gentle touch; it never seemed to occur to Jared to pull away or worry when Jensen traced the scars, he never pulled back or said one single word to stop him from touching. Jensen was still quiet, couldn’t think of the things that needed to be said, desperately hoping that just by touch his normally verging-on-empathic friend would understand what Jensen needed to do. His fingers slipped through soft chestnut hair, tangling and following the line of the scar tissue as it touched each piece of skin on his fingers, in the semi darkness of the church hall it was only touch, but Jensen knew by sight the reddened skin and the puckered flesh that Jared wore on his beautiful face.

 

“Jensen?” Jared’s voice was soft, and gently he gestured Jensen should move to the first step, which he did without argument, so that they were now face to face. 

 

Jensen stilled his exploration of Jared’s skin, his hand stopping movement and simply tangling into long hair and staying immobile. “I want us,” he said simply, tilting his head to one side, “I want to go up to your rooms and show you how much I missed you, how much you were the angel on my shoulder all through rehab and the court case.” There was an unspoken _but_ and Jared knew instinctively what Jensen was going to say.

 

“But not yet?” Jensen heard the words, saw Jared’s mouth move, registered the disappointment in Jared’s eyes at the same time as gathering strength from the fact that Jared would understand. He would.

 

“I’m still not well, not really. So…”

 

“So…”

 

“If you want to… if you are willing to wait for there to be an _us_ , then I will work my damndest to get my head straight and be the person I know I can be.” Jared leaned forward touching his forehead to Jensen’s, sighing deeply. Jensen heard the sigh, wondered at it’s source. Jared was trained in substance counselling; had seen good results, bad outcomes, and everything in between, what did he see for Jensen’s future? “I need purpose,” Jensen said softly, “a sense of worth that doesn’t come from anyone else, but from inside me.” He relaxed into Jared’s hold, this strong man holding him so steady, so physically powerful in his stature, so gentle in his ways. He knew he needed to bring something to the promise of a relationship; he needed a job, a role in his life, something other than wannabee lawyer, something that made him a real person and not a sorry excuses for the son of a rich man.

 

“You going to work at your Dad’s company I guess?” Jared offered, and Jensen leaned back from him, shaking his head imperceptibly.

 

“No. I want nothing to do with it.” Jensen winced at the anger in his own voice. What hid dad had done to his family, to the law firm that employed hundreds, was enough to send anger skittering down his spine, and he wasn’t ready to lose himself in that mess. “Josh and Mac…” his voice tailed off, and he paused, frowning, “they are the strong ones, not me, I’m not able to deal with it.”

 

“OK.” Jared didn’t push, didn’t offer the usual platitudes, the _it will be fine, you can cope_ crap that others might throw at him, and Jensen was grateful for that.

 

“I was thinking maybe something to do with Churches if there was a space for me… if you were ready for me to get back to being involved. I don’t need paying…”

 

“More than ready, you were doing good work here with the kids before you left.”

 

“And…” he dipped his head, not able to look Jared in the eyes, “my degree, law, you know that doesn’t mean shit out there,” Jensen waved expansively indicating the rest of the world, “lawyers are ten a penny. I want to use my education, my law knowledge, for some kind of good.”

 

“Like some kind of super lawyer,” Jared smiled at his own joke and Jensen smiled with him. Yes, he guessed, he did want to do good, defeat the bad guys, leave his mark on the good guys, that did kind of make him super lawyer.

 

“I have some ideas. Maybe we could all meet up, talk about what I could do?” Jensen knew he sounded pathetically eager, and was glad when Jared didn’t call him out on it, and he found himself just pulling his tall _friend_ in for a close hug. Jared leaned into him, and Jensen found himself breathing in the scent of old church and aftershave that was uniquely _his_ Jared, feeling peace steal over him. 

 

“So meanwhile what about us?” Jared asked him gently, his voice carefully composed and not at all accusing.

 

“If you can give me a while, just maybe, I don’t know…a month or two…to get my feet steady…I don’t feel at the moment that I have anything to offer you, no reason why you would want me. Can you give you time to see if I am still what you want - ”

 

“Always,” Jared interrupted causing Jensen to stop, how did he ever deserve someone like Jared in his life? Someone who, despite what Jensen had done in the past saw through that and to the heart of him.

 

“Always?” Jensen said doubtfully.

 

“I know what I feel, it wont matter what you do, I know you will come out the other side, and I will be waiting for you.” He pulled back to look at Jensen direct, but Jensen couldn’t see anything past the walls inside his own head.

 

“How can you even say that?” Jensen felt that disbelief in him start to build again, a hesitant buzz in his brain, how could Jared say he was going to wait when Jensen himself wasn’t even sure he was going to get past the next week let alone the next year. Jared said nothing, just had that damn innocent smile on his face and a love in his eyes. 

 

Gently and simply Jared placed the flat of his hand on Jensen’s chest, right where his heart was, and Jensen drew in a ragged breath at the simple touch. “Because,” Jared started, leaning into drop a kiss to Jensen’s parted lips, “I love you.”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The college was intimidating, a public space full of kids ten years younger than him with the rest of their lives spread out in front of them. They didn’t seem to carry and of Jensen’s fears and worries, Jensen’s failures. To Jensen’s jaded view they had the perkiness and hope of the future, and Jensen realised he was envious, that he wanted that hope desperately and it sometimes made him feel sad. He spent lunch breaks on the same bench at the corner of the grassy reception area, just soaking in the sunshine and watching the students milling about him. He had tried to make friends; really he had, but he had little in common with these great bright hopes for America’s future. When it was _leaked_ that Joseph Armitage was actually Jensen Ackles he was looked at with alternating views of suspicion and envy. After all, Joseph Armitage was a student re-sitting some of the family law exams he had failed years before, a man working hard to make a difference. Jensen Ackles, on the other hand, was the playboy prince son of a disgraced millionaire, with money dripping from his fingers, and all the privileges that the money could buy.

 

So, he was generally ignored and mostly sat in peace, trying to ignore the looks fo the curious, reading his law books and studying hard, the accelerated learning program filling his head with thoughts of what he could do when he knew enough. There was three months planned on this course and he was two weeks in, dodging paparazzi at the security gates and hiding out here behind reception to study. None of it was easy, his lecturers often picking on him to talk, to answer questions, not letting him sit at the back quiet and anonymous. Still, going home each day, he was buzzing, and Jared coming round to his small apartment every night, to sit and talk, or watch DVDs, or just to eat crappy microwaved food, was what he looked forward to, making his generally crappy days better. For his part, Jared listened as Jensen threw case law at him each night, very patiently listened to him, even though he knew he was going a bit over the top. Like today, when he looked at the case of Benson vs Benson in the last lesson, and the implications of the case for the new boy who had arrived at Churches last week, the first person he wanted to tell was Jared.

 

He pulled out his cell, thumbing options and firing off a text summarising what he had learned today about emancipation, waiting the requisite thirty seconds before getting impatient for Jared’s reply.

 

_You can not text case law, the messages will be too long. Idiot._ Jared replied in his unique way of texting where he used punctuation and all words spelt correctly. Jensen felt affection building inside him, imagining Jared at Churches, with his kids, leaning over his cell phone with that cute frown of concentration he had whenever he was faced with the tiny buttons and his big paws.

 

_It will help Gabe :- )_ Jensen sent, adding the smiley face, knowing Jared would now be desperately trying to remember the shortcuts Jensen had shown him to respond. He smirked at the delay, glancing at the time and then tilting his face up to the sun, he had the time to wait.

 

_Gabriel is not having such a good day. Sad face._ Jensen would have smiled at the typed words _sad face_ , had it not been for the underlying message, if Gabriel was having a bad day then it meant only one thing. Gabriel’s father had tried something.

 

Instead of texting back, Jensen hit the button to phone and wasn’t surprised when Jared answered immediately. “What happened?” Jensen asked quickly, hearing Jared’s sigh in return.

 

“His father contacted him, phoned him, made all these promises. He wouldn’t say, but I found him on his bunk and he had been crying.” Jared sounded sad, and a little lost, Gabriel was new to churches, had only been with them a week and for some reason it was Jensen he was attaching himself too, not Jared, which was a first. Jared had no problem with that, but still he missed connecting to one of the Churches kids enough to make a difference.

 

“I’ll talk to him Jay, I promise, as soon as I finish here” Jensen ended the conversation with a hurried goodbye as the students started to gather at the door waiting for the next lectures in groups of five or six, all lost in small talk and inconsequential things that mattered little to Jensen. When he was sat in the lecture, he found himself doodling on his notes. Doodling turned to words, words turned to case law, case law to research notes and when he pulled up outside Churches he had at least some halfway plan on how to approach Gabriel and what to say.

 

Jared met him at the door, as if he had been waiting, it was a really new feeling to have someone waiting for him, it felt _almost_ domesticated, and Jensen pulled Jared in for a very quick kiss and hug in the shadow of the Church porch.

 

“Gabriel is still in the main room, he wont come out” Jared said, pulling his lower lip between his teeth, that perpetual look of worry he had where his kids were concerned crossing his face. Jensen kissed away the frown, puling back and walking into the foyer, he knew his way, and in minutes he was outside the dormitory style area that was the boys room. Jared had worked hard on the rooms, turning spacious empty rooms with tall ceilings into separate areas for the kids who came to Churches for help. One for the boys, the larger of the two, and one for the girls. The boy’s side was empty, except for one small figure curled on to a bottom bunk towards the back, and it to this bed that Jensen was heading.

 

“Gabriel, hey.” Jensen crouched down next to the bunk, keeping his voice deliberately low and calm, waiting until the fifteen year old with hair of sunshine and eyes of blue turned to face him. Jared was right; he had been crying, his young face scrubbed raw and eyes swollen with tears. “What happened?”

 

“He said he was coming to get me.” Gabriel’s voice was tired, no fear in it, just acceptance and this awful sadness that Jensen couldn’t seem to break.

 

“He can’t touch you Gabriel, you are safe here, and with CPS involved now…you _are_ safe here.”

 

“He said he can find me anywhere,” Gabriel added, twisting his hands in his shirt, his face pale.

 

“He may well find you, but can you imagine him getting past Jared? Heh? Never mind getting past me.” Jensen smiled, aware that for some reason Gabriel had a big case of hero worship over him and playing on it shamelessly.

 

”OK,” Gabriel finally said softly, lifting the cell phone he was clutching in his hand out to Jensen who took it from him gently. Gabriel never went anywhere without this cell, his last link to a father that abused him and a mother who was too scared to say a word. “Can you take it. I don’t want it anymore, and on 24 they traced Jack’s phone. I don’t want that.” 

 

” I’ll deactivate it and put it in the safe, is that OK?” Gabriel nodded, and Jensen pocketed the cell, moving on, “I have some things I wanna run by you, are you OK to talk?” 

 

Gabriel scooted up the bed, wrapping his arms around his knees, and leaned back against the soft pillows nodding that it was fine to talk. “What’s wrong?” Jensen was startled by the question, Gabriel immediately assumed something was wrong, what kind of life did that to a child?

 

“Nothing. In fact…Gabriel…do you know what emancipation means?”

 

+++++++++++++++++

 

Jared was nervous. Tonight Jensen had agreed to get some food back at his rooms above the church, the first time he had said yes, despite however many times Jared had asked, and Jared wanted it to be perfect. They were dancing around each other. Jared had not made a secret that he wanted to take things further than the kissing and hugging, Jensen had made no bones that he didn’t feel that was what Jared _really_ wanted, had said himself…how could Jared really want him after what Jensen had done?

 

Jared was adamant that things were going to change, starting from tonight, and when he answered the door to a smiling Jensen, he didn’t even give him the chance to say hello, before he had him pushed up against the now closed door his hands on Jensen’s shoulders pinning him steady.

 

“Jared, wait.” Jensen sounded almost panicked, pushing back at his taller and stronger boyfriend, and Jared expected that Jensen was suddenly and unaccountably worried at what was going on here.

 

“No, no more waiting,” he growled, dropping his head and gentling Jensen with a kiss, swallowing any protest Jensen might make, and smiling inwardly when Jensen’s hands moved from pushing away to pulling Jared closer, angling his mouth to deepen the kiss. It was like a match to dry wood, the heat between them instant and all consuming. The kisses grew more heated, Jared pulling back to kiss bite a trail down Jensen’s neck, pausing to move his hands away from controlling and moving them to touch warm skin under Jensen’s button down, settling them to rest on slim hips, murmuring words of reassurance against Jensen’s soft skin.

 

“Jayyy,” Jensen moaned slow and low, tilting his head even further, exposing even more skin, “Wha… ya…” 

 

Jared pulled back, looking at Jensen’s face, flushed with need, his eyes half lidded, pupils wide, and thought he had never seen anything so beautiful in his life. “You told me we had to wait until I knew you were what I wanted, accident and all…” Jensen closed his eyes entirely, and Jared kissed him gently, reassuringly, “I never had to make a choice Jensen and I have waited long enough, and you are just not _getting_ it are you. I love you Jensen Ross Ackles.” He deepened the kiss again, his hand moving to the front of Jensen’s pants, slipping the top button and pulling down the zip, sliding his hand into this new space, finding Jensen hard against his touch. This was the touch that Jared had been imagining, having this gorgeous man under him, around him, sharing his body, and he had to make Jensen see this. 

 

This time now… wasn’t the time for talking; it was the time for showing Jensen with touch and taste how much he was wanted, and to get him to believe that he was needed. He pulled back, grasping Jensen by the hand and pulling him towards the bedroom, a room not much bigger than the Jared sized bed inside it. They stopped at the threshold, Jensen obviously still not entirely certain but allowing himself to be guided. Jared turned to him, tucking his hair behind his ear, consciously exposing the scar, looking directly into Jensen’s eyes.

 

”We need to get past this if we are going to have any future,” Jared said calmly, “do you want me?” There it was. That single question. The one that hovered between them. Was it possible for Jensen to see what Jared was wanting, what he was offering? Jensen bit on his lower lip, his eyes wide, fear in his eyes as they glanced at the scarring. Jared could see the fear. “Is it too ugly?” he asked gently, if that was the case then they both needed to know now. Jensen shook his head, _no, not that._

 

What he said next, what was in his heart, he blurted out suddenly, not in anger but in self-disgust, at the man he had been, at what he had done. “No Jared… _no_ I’m the one that is ugly.”

 

 

TBC

…


	2. Chapter 2

The words resonated in Jared’s head, _ugly_ and Jared just wanted to say no. _No you are not._ He didn’t though…couldn’t…because he knew for sure that Jensen wouldn’t begin to believe a word of it. 

 

Jared had thought so very long and hard about this, needing more from Jensen, wanting a relationship, ready to be the strong one, and tonight was the first step. He cupped Jensen’s face with his hands, searching for exactly the right thing to say. The right thing to stop Jensen from leaving; even as he could feel him trying to pull away. “I was thinking we could just hug and talk and maybe make out a little,” he finally offered, his voice low, his touch firm, seeing Jensen’s eyes widen in surprise. He was sure Jensen was expecting him to demand more, to need more, but really at this moment in time, what Jared wanted was to touch and to learn.

 

“Hugging and kissing,” Jensen replied doubtfully, and it was all Jared could do not to smile at his soft words.

 

“Just hugging and kissing, but on the horizontal. What do you say?” Jared inclined his head towards the large bed, and Jensen followed the movement with his eyes, the soft hazel green filled with something indefinable, what Jared could only guess was a mix of hope and fear. He watched Jensen take a deep breath, pulling back from Jared and lifting his shirt over his head, before dropping it to the floor and looking away. That was his answer, and Jared got with the programme fairly quickly, taking the single step to the bed and tugging Jensen with him, fairly salivating at the thought of exploring the expanse of warm skin that had been exposed.

 

”Wait,” Jensen said quickly, and sudden disappointment twisted in Jared’s stomach, had him opening his mouth to protest. A protest cut off by a kiss. “You too.” Jensen encouraged, his hands moving to the hem of Jared’s top. Now it was Jared’s turn to stumble over this. Jensen hadn’t actually seen the whole thing, the whole scar that snaked down his left side, and his reaction was vitally important. The scar was just part of Jared, didn’t worry him, not anymore, but what if seeing the evidence of what had happened in full, sent Jensen off to running away? 

 

“You don’t want me to see it?” Jensen asked gently, reading more into Jared’s hesitation than he should, “I don’t have to,” he suggested hurriedly, “you could keep your shirt on.” Jared shook his head, that wasn’t it at all, now wasn’t the time to put doubts into Jensen’s head, and in a smooth move he pulled his shirt up and over his head exposing the scars to Jensen’s wary, curious, gaze. They stood still, just staring at each other for no more than a few seconds, but with years of hurt passing between them, until Jensen took the initiative and climbed on to the bed. He scooted up to lay on his side facing Jared where he stood. “I believe hugging and kissing and talking was mentioned?”

 

Jared half smiled, following Jensen onto the bed, laying down on his side to face him, watching as Jensen’s gaze roamed his bare chest tracing the path of the scar from neck to hip. Jensen lifted a hand as if to touch and then dropped it again, indecision on his face. He had touched the scar before, but only the parts by Jared’s neck, this new view was different. Jared stopped the hand, caught it tight, pressing a kiss to curled fingers before encouraging Jensen to flatten his hand and place it on to Jared’s hip where the scarring faded to pale pink.

 

“You were wearing jeans,” Jensen said softly, looking up at Jared’s eyes, seeing the faint nod, “I remember jeans… and a shirt…a blue one…no coat…” Jensen seemed lost in memories and Jared didn’t stop them as they tumbled out, in no coherent order, “…no coat Jared…if you had been wearing…the snow…there was so much blood…” he leaned closer, placing a trail of kisses from Jared’s left nipple to the most prominent scarring that ran from shoulder to hip. The texture of the skin at his hip was mostly smooth, just raised in places and darker in colour, but at his shoulder it was rough, dips and bumps where skin had healed and meshed to this strange quality. He chased the kisses across to his nipple again, before raising eyes filled with emotion to Jared, so many questions in them. Jared wasn’t ready for the questions, and chose the only way he could think to stop them, pulling Jensen up to him and capturing soft lips in a kiss, taking advantage of Jensen’s mouth open to talk, to take the kiss immediately deeper. 

 

The simplicity of the kiss was so damn perfect, just the tender caress of tongues, and the effortless slide across the roof of Jensen’s mouth, the taste of the gentle shape of Jared’s lips, exchanging nothing more than breath. Jensen rolled carefully onto his back, not breaking the kiss, bringing Jared to rest across him, and causing Jared to moan low in his throat, Jensen hard and needy and feeling an overwhelming love for this man under him. When lips touched Jared could feel sparks between them, settling into the space between Jensen’s spread thighs and just enjoying the taste and the touch that was so uniquely Jensen. This kissing was more than just satisfying a hunger within them, it was a connection as natural as breathing. Each touch driving them closer, until unconsciously they were moving slowly, grinding against each other, each lost in their own world of sensation and need. 

 

Jared lifted his head to look down at the man he loved, at his eyes closed, his lashes against his freckled skin, his lips parted slightly and swollen pink, wanting to say just that, just a simple _I love you,_ or a simple _I need you._ Thing is, Jensen beat him to it, but not exactly in the way Jared expected, opening his eyes and starting to talk.

 

“I don’t think you will ever know how much I need you…” Jensen said looking thoughtful, and to Jared, just this side of sad. Jensen reached up to whisper a single kiss onto Jared’s curved soft lips, pulling back and continuing “…I want you so much that it is like it hurts inside, and if that isn’t some kind of love, then I don’t know what is…” he stopped again, and Jared found himself on the edge, the breath hitching in his chest as he waited for Jensen to finish. “…if I can get past the shit in my head…

 

“Go on.”

 

“…I know that I could be able to love you how you deserve to be loved. I need to do this a step at a time… step one, kissing and hugging, step two sort my head out, step three let myself believe I can fall in love.” Jensen smiled, that wide face splitting smile that made the corners of his eyes crease, and Jared smiled back.

 

“Sounds like a plan.”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“What is this?” Gabriel took the envelope from Jensen’s hand, looking at it like it was going to burst into flames at any moment, his face creased into a frown. 

 

Jensen put on his best lawyer voice, “its the petition for emancipation. You need to be sixteen, just five more days Gabriel, and then we can file for legal separation from your family, if that is what you want. You have to realise that you would no longer be under the control of your parents. But on the flip side they will have absolutely no obligation to support you financially, or give you any food, clothing, or shelter…nothing.” He was desperately trying to be impartial, knowing Gabriel needed to see both sides, the good as well as the bad, whatever Jensen thought of Gabriel’s parents and however much he wanted to just say to Gabriel, _do it_. “You’ll need to have a permanent address-”

 

“I don’t… I cant…” Gabriel interrupted, not able to get the words out quick enough.

 

“Wait…you do…Churches will provide a room…you just need to pay token rent…enrol in school… show you can support yourself.”

 

”What if I couldn’t do that? Would they put me back with them?” There was real fear in his eyes, and Jensen saw the instant Gabriel was judging the distance to the door as a way to escape.

 

“No, Gabriel. Just no. The only thing the authorities could do is put you into care.” Jensen explained as carefully as he could, aware of how close to running Gabriel was at this point in time.

 

“Jensen…” Gabriel started, pleading in his voice, and it was all Jensen could do not to pull the frightened boy into his arms to reassure him, but as the young boy’s lawyer he needed to keep some kind of professional distance. 

 

Jared was stood to one side and so far had managed not to say a word, Jensen acutely aware that he was watching and listening. “That will not happen, I promise you. We wont let it happen,” he jumped in with the reassurance, and Jensen couldn’t thank him enough for that, for letting Gabriel know he was with friends when Jensen couldn’t. Gabriel looked at Jared gratefully and then back at Jensen, that same hero worship in his eyes for both of them.

 

“Do I need to sign now?” he asked, opening the envelope and pulling out the papers. Jensen had gone over and over the implications, making sure Gabriel was aware of every little nuance of the legal contract, every paragraph, and now he was obviously ready to sign.

 

“Five days Gabriel, just five days.” Jensen knew the boy was counting down the hours until his birthday.

 

Gabriel stood in a smooth move, holding the papers to his chest, looking from Jensen to Jared and back again, “can I ask you both something? _He_ called me Gabriel, I want to be called Gabe now.”

 

”We can do that Gabe,” Jared said simply.

 

“Gabe it is,” Jensen added, taking off his glasses and shrugging off the mantle of lawyer, pulling Gabe in for a close hug, “Gabe it is.”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Gabe’s birthday passed without incident, he signed the papers and Jensen filed them, and it seemed as if peace reigned for a while. Jared had slipped into a headspace of waiting for Jensen, spending his down time working on funding applications with Pastor Ben on the new Churches initiative. It had been Ben’s idea to extend Churches and it was to that end that Jared and two other original Churches boys, Pastor Ben’s very first lost boys, Mikey and Dan, sat with Ben thrashing out figures and making plans. 

 

They had broken for coffee, Ben on the phone in his office, Mikey disappearing off to find biscuits, leaving Jared and Dan to sit and wait with hot coffee.

 

“So Mikey says Jensen came back?” Jared had been waiting for this. Dan liked Jensen, or rather he _had_ liked Jensen, until he found out about the whole reason for Jensen being at Churches.

 

“Yes,” was all he said, waiting for the questions to start. Instead Dan sat and said nothing, which was more unnerving that expectation of comments. “You don’t have an opinion? Something you want to tell me?”

 

“I am not your keeper Jay,” Dan started, then had the grace to look uncomfortable, “anyway Mikey told me not to hassle you.” 

 

“Mikey?”

 

”Yeah, said I should see Jensen for what he is. I’m still working on it.” Dan was never one to hold back on his opinions, and Mikey knew that, the warning was to stop Jared from having to deal with awkward questions, but at the end of the day Jared had been ready to face them.

 

“I know you are just looking out for me Dan, but it’s OK, we’ll be OK, more than OK, we just have stuff we are working through.”

 

“Stuff. Eloquent much Jay?” Dan replied with a snort, “I just…” Dan paused, trying to find the words, standing and pacing from door to window and back. 

 

“We talk all the time Dan, you have to understand how much I love him…as much as you love your Anna. We are trying really hard to move through what happened in the past.” 

 

Dan stopped pacing, twisting the fingers of his right hand into his hair and swallowing, he had so much to say to the tall man he called friend, so much to feel he had to warn about. “Jay, I just can’t understand how you can even stand to be in the same room as that murdering drug addict, let alone letting him touch you, for fucks sake - ”

 

“Jared?” Both men looked up at the voice at the door, Jensen standing nervously at the outside of the room, a large cardboard box in his arms, and a tentative smile on his face. He may have heard what Dan said, and Jared stood abruptly, ready with the excuses, the explanations, stopping only when Dan moved between them.

 

“Ackles.” Dan said firmly, extending his hand. Jensen juggled the box he was holding and took the proffered hand, feeling the strong grip, the words he had just heard causing him to drop the hand and take a step back. 

 

“Dan, hey.”

 

“I wont apologise for what I just said,” Dan offered carefully as an awkward silence fell between the three men.

 

Jared moved to Jensen’s side, “well you should Dan, Jensen doesn’t deserve - ”

 

“It’s OK Jared, your friends have every right to worry. I wouldn’t trust me either.” That was the end of that, Jensen turning to leave and heading for the Pastor’s office, and Dan standing with a small frown on his face, almost like Jensen’s response had shocked him. Jared was left feeling as if he had just missed something really big, and that all of his carefully placed work to get through to Jensen, had just been destroyed in one sentence. He turned on Dan who simply raised his hands in defence.

 

“I’m sorry Jay, not my place dude, I know.”

 

Mikey walked back into the room, passing Jensen with a _hey_ finding his friends up on their feet and facing each other across the room, in some kind of weird face off, Dan looking almost contrite, Jared looking close to tears. “What the fuck?” he said simply, dropping the biscuits on the table.

 

“Ask Dan.” Jared replied; crossing his arms, belying the confident pissed off stance he had going on, by the simple act of biting on his lower lip.

 

“Dan?” Mikey had never seen Jared like this before, all hackles up and angry, and Jared and Dan were close, always had been, what was going on?

 

“I said something about Ackles.”

 

“Jensen? What about him?” 

 

Dan subsided into silence, and then squaring his shoulders he summarised the whole thing in as few words as possible, “all I said, was that I couldn’t understand how Jared could say he loves Jensen. Supposedly loves the man who left him for dead and who is a freaking drug addict to boot.”

 

“Recovering addict,” Jared interrupted, the anger in his voice evident in his clipped tone.

 

“Whatever dude,” Dan snapped back, “just promise us you’ll be careful. Yeah?”

 

”Hey,” Mikey rounded on Dan at his use of the word _‘us’_ , “don’t include me in that, I for one think Jensen is trying damn hard and I trust that Jay knows what he is doing.” Jared threw a grateful smile towards Mikey; at least one of his friends could see the positives in what he was doing.

 

“I said I was sorry,” Dan defended himself again, crossing to Jared and pulling him into a quick hug with much back slapping, “doesn’t mean I don’t still worry.” Jared pulled back, seeing the sincerity and concern in his friend’s eyes. It still threw him when one of his friends worried about him and it always left him unable to say anything back. So he nodded, and for the time being peace was restored and budgets were examined, plans made and all was forgotten.

 

Jared watched carefully for Jensen leaving Ben’s office, waving and receiving a wave in return as he did, along with a smile of reassurance from Jensen. He felt immensely proud that his boyfriend was handling what he had heard, and knew they would talk about it later.

 

Everything was fine.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen dropped the box of electrical parts on Pastor Ben’s desk, hoping against hope that Jared wasn’t going to follow him, and leaving the office catching Jared’s gaze and exchanging confident grins and small waves. Then, with the _acting normal_ finished he left through the back way to the parking lot. 

 

He opened the door to his brand new SUV and closed it behind him, sinking low into the plush leather upholstery. He had been doing so well today. Had acquired the parts for the electronics project that Jared had broached for some of the older boys at Churches, had even purchased a few extra items he knew Jared needed. Making sure to remove each item from the packaging and scruffing it up a little so it looked used. If Jared ever noticed the extra things that Jensen delivered to Churches he never said, and it gave Jensen a buzz to be doing something positive. He had even walked past the corner where he had got the drugs the night of the accident, with not one thought of need or want for anything other than the simple pleasure of kissing his boyfriend. Or maybe doing good things for good people, and generally making a difference in the lives of the young kids like Gabriel who needed him. Needed _him_ , Jensen Ross Ackles, screw up extraordinaire.

 

And then.

 

All it took was Dan saying those words. Which was stupid really. That something so little could rock Jensen so hard… _I just can’t understand how you can even stand to be in the same room as that murdering drug addict, let alone letting him touch you_. It was like…hearing those words made it all very real. Everything suddenly and startlingly flooding back. Every single stupid failure, every slip, every step backwards. All in startling technicolor like a film playing in his head. He could feel a familiar itch under his skin, the self worth that had been building, disappearing inch by inch, replaced by a singularly destructive push of self-doubt and worry. 

 

Jared was an experienced counsellor. Yes he had received training, yes he had done his exams, yes he could signpost addicts like Jensen to the right resources, but…was Dan right? Was it even possible for Jared to help Jensen to start to understand his emotional needs? To get him away from addiction and to help him face the realities of life? To even begin to address the underlying problems attached to his addiction? Jensen was learning the hard way that his own sense of identity and self-worth was so intrinsically wound in with Jared and what he felt for him. Was that even healthy? Jared had been close to addiction in all of its forms…could handle what he was seeing. Was it fair for Jensen to be doing this so dependant on his boyfriend? As for the accident itself, Dan was surely right about that, the images from this morning, seeing Jared’s lifeless figure in scarlet soaked snow, broken and dying, were spinning in his head. He had tried hard to hold them back, but one sentence from Dan and there they were, front and centre.

 

The long term consequences of the accident, of his addiction, brought guilt and shame to the table, the very centre an increasingly destructive cycle of chaos in his head, where nothing made sense. He wasn’t good enough, would never be good enough. For gods sake, he had dragged the teenage Jared along the snowy road for such a distance, left Jared for dead in grey and blood scarlet slush, scarred him terribly for life, stole him from his family, took drugs to make it all go away. How was anything he did now going to make any difference? Dan was right; Jared shouldn’t even want to touch him.

 

He banged his head gently against the steering wheel. It would be OK, he needed to get a handle on this, get some perspective. He needed something that would help make him see well. Just once. Seriously, it wouldn’t have to be more than once…just enough to take the edge off… 

 

Jared wouldn’t have to know...


	3. Chapter 3

The SUV was a gift to himself. The only thing he had spent any of his money on. Well that and rent, but rent was a necessity. He rationalised the SUV as useful to Churches, and he provided a taxi service in and around the Church for whoever needed it. 

 

He sat in it now. As still as stone he sat, his eyes focusing on the white knuckles of both hands as they gripped the leather covered steering wheel, his head logical, listing the pros and cons to going back to the corner. It was easy to follow the conversation in his head, easy to make a decision. He turned the key, hearing the engine jump to life, accompanied by flashing lights for engine checks and the sound of the stereo. His right hand drifted to the controls of the stereo, hovering, as if the decision on volume was vital to what he was going to do next. If it was too loud someone might hear him leave, if it was too quiet then his mind may be able to spin a reason not to go. The shivers inside him, the absolute certainty that he needed _something_ , made him feel sick. That was OK though, the high would stop the sickness, and it wasn’t like he really needed a high, he just needed to stop feeling the things that Dan’s words made him feel. The roots of his addiction, the reason why he was sat here now… it was visible in his blur of reasonable and sensible decisions as to why he was wanting to run now. 

 

It was so difficult to forget the art of inhaling the white powder, the lines, the careful use of a flat surface, any flat surface, the sneeze, the itch, the drain of emotion as the drug filled every cell of his body with that softening effect he craved. He could almost caress the memory it was so clear, and as his fingers touched the stereo control he shivered with the need that was causing him to turn up the music. He gently pressed his foot to the accelerator, the SUV edging forward from the cracked concrete space and to the wide alley past the back of Churches. He stopped. Something stopped him. Then he simply pushed that aside and started to edge forward again, tasting the high from his memories, thinking about staying the night with Steve and Chris so Jared would never know. 

 

This was so easy and so right; he couldn’t see one thing wrong with this plan.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared sat back as he listened to Dan outline the funding advice he had received, his head on different things. He wished Jensen hadn’t heard what Dan had said, hated to see the complete failure that sparked in Jensen’s beautiful eyes before he turned to leave the room. Then when he smiled. That smile that Jensen used whenever he was trying to fool people into thinking he was ok. Well it wasn’t ok, and Jared stood, cursing that fact that he hadn’t immediately followed Jensen.

 

“Jay?” Mikey asked, looking from Dan to Jay and then to the door he had seen Jensen disappear out of, “you OK?”

 

“I’m just going to check on Jensen, back in five.” He didn’t stay to talk, just strode quickly through the hall and out of the back door, seeing no sign of Jensen or in fact Jensen’s SUV. _Shit_. He didn’t want to think what Jensen was up to or where he had gone, with his head screwed by what Dan had said. Pulling his cell from his pocket he squinted down at the small letters, scrolling to Steve’s name and connecting, cursing to himself when it went to voicemail. He waited patiently for the whole introduction in Steve’s voice and then left a terse message, _Jensen left, I’m worried, call me if you see him, or if he calls?_ Moving back into the main hall he caught something out of the corner of his eye through the small side window that opened to the alley next to Churches. Jensen’s SUV, stopped. Quickly he moved to the front entrance, past Dan and Mikey who stood concerned at the entrance to the room they had been sat in. Taking the steps in one leap he twisted quickly around the corner, at the end of the alley, between the SUV and the street, and then simply stood. The SUV’s engine was idling, Jensen slumped over the steering wheel, and then suddenly, maybe sensing Jared was there, he was looking up and straightening in his seat. Jared couldn’t see Jensen very clearly through the glass, the sun glinting off of it against his eyes, and he simply stayed where he was, not sure exactly what to do. 

 

He crossed his arms, widened his stance, and hoped he came off as an immovable object.

 

Jensen blinked steadily, the need inside him curling and twisting, as he watched Jared stand. Just stand. No moving. Just standing. With his arms folded across his broad chest, his long hair in disarray around his face, his mouth set in a stubborn line. Jensen winced, this was firm Jared…take no shit Jared…let’s beat this addiction Jared. Fucking Jared and his _I love you_ and his unwavering support and his god damn Jesus complex, with all his freaking forgiving and understanding and…

 

Tears were pressing at Jensen’s eyes, building pinpoints of pressure there, frustrating hated tears that his plans had been thwarted, and then tears of shame, and still Jared stood there. Just stood. Temper pushed the tears aside, temper and violence rising in him as he thumped the steering wheel with clenched fists, then rested his head on the leather again, irritation fragmenting into distress, sorrow, and finally just pure exhaustion. He wasn’t ready to fight this, why didn’t Jared just let him go already, just move out of the fucking way so he could move on to what he needed. Rage built at the human barrier that Jared had become, and Jensen climbed down out of the SUV, planting feet firmly on the ground, and slamming the door shut.

 

“What the fuck Jared?” he shouted at the man who stood maybe ten foot in front of him, framed by the street behind him, his face carefully passive.

 

“Where are you going Jensen?” Jared asked simply, uncrossing his arms and putting his hands in his pockets.

 

Jensen frowned, biting his lower lip until he could feel blood, this bit was usually so easy, the lying was second nature to him…he was so experienced. “College,” he offered quickly, waiting for Jared to question it, surprised when all Jared did was move to lean against the wall, placing on foot flat against the brick and shrugging, allowing Jensen more than enough room to manoeuvre the SUV through to the road.

 

“OK, bye,” was all he said, in that infuriatingly understanding tone of his. Jensen turned back to his car, took one step toward it then spun on his heel, storming towards Jared, who, damn him, didn’t even flinch.

 

“What?” he shouted at the taller man, inches from his face. “What do you want from me?” Exasperated when Jared said nothing, he got even closer, so close that he could see the flecks of green and gold in Jared’s hazel eyes, see the pupils widen as he put his boyfriend’s face into the shade. “I’m just going to college,” he spat about, “I’m just going to freakin’ college, and I don’t need you to stand here judging me…I don’t need you…”

 

“Jensen, I’m not stopping you.” Jared said simply, calmly, removing his hands from his pockets and raising them in a gesture of innocence. Jensen froze. That wasn’t what he needed. He needed anger from Jared, anger and hate so deep and loud that it would push him away, make him leave and have that leaving make sense. 

 

“Don’t do that.” He snapped irritably. 

 

“What Jensen? What am I doing?”

 

“That freaking understanding thing.”

 

“Jensen - ”

 

“No… just no…” his hands moved to grip tight to Jared’s arms, just above elbows, feeling hard muscle beneath his grip. It never failed to amaze him when he felt the muscles hidden by layers of shirts, that despite being a fairly sturdy six one, actually Jared _could_ stop him. Just with one move he could stop him with his height and his weight and his sheer muscle mass, but he didn’t. He never pushed Jensen. Never stopped him, and under no circumstances made him do anything he didn’t want. 

 

Maybe…just now… he damn well _needed_ to be stopped…maybe he _had_ to be stopped and Jared was the only one that could do it. How did he ask for that? How could he justify asking more from Jared? He bowed his head, trying to stop his hands from releasing the man that was his rock, “Jared…”

 

“Where were you going Jensen?” he asked gently, and Jensen’s heart stopped, as he tried to form words. Did he really have to say them out loud? Maybe that was the price for saving his sanity? It was possible that maybe he hadn’t seen it, hadn’t realised that perhaps Jared needed to actually hear him beg for help?

 

“Jared…I was… I needed…” he couldn’t do it. Pride…stubborn damn pride bringing any thoughts of begging to a halt. He wanted to say… _stop me, help me…_ but all that came out was a moan low in his throat. He was in a daze as he felt Jared remove his hands from their grasp, pushing past him to the SUV, opening the door and grabbing the keys from the ignition. With no words he walked back, took Jensen’s hand in his and led him to the front door, throwing the keys to a waiting Mikey and guiding Jensen through the church and up the back stairs to his room. Jensen went ahead, hearing the sound of the door. They had been in a situation like this before, at Jared’s parents house, Jensen jonesing for a fix, in the midst of a panic attack, and Jared between him and the door. Thing is, this time Jared moved to sit on his bed, leaving Jensen with a clear run if he wanted to.

 

“You want to talk?” Jared said carefully.

 

“Talk?” Jensen snorted, “no…not really.” He wanted to pace. He couldn’t pace. That is what he wanted to do and he couldn’t, there wasn’t enough room, and he had an excess of energy and no way to release it. 

 

He flinched as Jared stood, shrugging his shoulders and starting to talk “OK, so no conversation, so…” 

 

“So?”

 

Jared moved so quick Jensen didn’t even really see it, only knowing that suddenly he was on Jared’s bed, pinned under Jared, and he couldn’t figure out how it had happened. “Jared…” 

 

“No talking, not this time…” Jared said firmly, closing off any chance of reply by diving in for heated kissing, pushing him deeper, cocooning him in muscle and heat, until the kisses turned to more. 

 

Jensen couldn’t stop the words that tumbled past the kisses, words of apology and want. For every word he tried to form, Jared just kissed harder and deeper; sucking marks of possession on freckled skin, kiss biting to his throat, and across his shoulder, pushing material to one side. Then lifting the soft cotton of his shirt Jared concentrated on each nipple, pulling at each side until he was relaxing under him, mewling soft sounds that he could feel from his chest. Jared didn’t stop to ask if he was OK, or if this is what he needed. Jensen knew his lover was simply running on the ingrained instinct to make him feel better. With hands and lips and pure sensation he was helping the desperation Jensen was feeling for an alternative escape from reality, to stop. 

 

Jensen for his part was lost on this sea of sensation, awareness of Jared the only thing he could focus on. When Jared’s fingers undid buttons on jeans, pulled at a zip, closed round his dick, Jensen was incoherent. Jared’s touch is what he craved now, and he was so very close, and when his lover slid down his body, and the feel of hot wet heat closed round him, it was enough for Jensen to arch up, orgasm sparking down his spine. They had never done this, never gone this far, but so many times…the thought of Jared swallowing him down…jeez…and when Jared concentrated on the nerve endings, humming around his length, Jensen was reduced to a mass of incoherent begging.

 

Jared’s concentration shifted, fingers wet with slick pushing inside him, just one, then two, finding the centre of him, his mouth tight, sucking in counterpoint to his fingers, releasing only to lick a broad stripe from root to tip.

 

“Jay …” Jensen tried to catch hold of Jared, caught hands deep into long hair, pulling him up, anxious for more of his clever mouth on his own, and as he did Jared’ fingers left him, and started pushing down his own jeans until finally they were bare together, Jared circling both of them in one huge paw and starting a pace that was going to push them over.

 

“I love you…I love you…” Jared was breathing the words in time with the moves he was making, rutting against Jensen, allowing Jensen to move as he needed too, until it was too much and Jensen whined low in his throat as he was coming hot and wet across Jared’s hand, followed not long after by Jared who buried his face into Jensen’s neck with a strangled cry of completion. They rocked gently, neither wanting to let them go of the sensation, Jensen’s fingers gripping hazel toned skin as if he never wanted to let go.

 

He had to tell Jared; stripped bare of the barriers he usually kept up, he knew he had to tell him. “I was going to get stuff…” he blurted out, tears leaking out of the corners of his eyes, the high of orgasm and intensity of emotion was blinding him to what he was revealing. Jared said nothing at first, simply lifted his head, his eyes focused intently on Jensen’s, “…when Dan said…he was right…I didn’t know what else to do…”

 

“I know Jen, I know. But this worked?” Jared asked carefully, it certainly wasn’t conventional therapy, but then, Jensen mused, it wasn’t exactly a conventional relationship they had.

 

“I think it did...”


	4. Chapter 4

It had been four weeks since that single day when Jensen almost gave in, when he nearly lost everything he had started to hold dear, in a split moment. Four weeks of therapy, meetings, visits, dealing with the relapse and the cravings. Every meeting started with the same statement… _The disease of addiction is chronic and relapsing. It requires long-term work to recover from addiction, and relapse is common…it requires long-term treatment lifestyle changes and maybe even with medication. It isn’t like a broken bone, which is set, heals, and is forgotten._ Jensen could recite it all in his sleep, knew all the reasons why he had slipped that day, relieved when Jared escorted him to his first session and sat in the SUV outside waiting for him to come out. He had left meeting one, his eyes raw with trying not to cry, his chest tight with panic, and his brain trying to justify why it was perfectly reasonable never to go back. Stumbling to the car, fighting to open the door and then just huddling in a ball on his side. Jared didn’t say anything, didn’t ask anything, or demand anything; he just drove them away from the commitment Jensen had made and ended up at the lake. It was cold, frigidly cold, ice in wind that whipped around them, as first Jensen and then Jared climbed down from the car and stood at the water’s edge.

 

“It isn’t reasonable to expect that you will obtain lifelong abstinence the first time you do this,” Jared said carefully, pulling Jensen to rest his back against Jared’s chest, wrapping strong arms round the shorter man and holding him tight. “It’s a powerful hunger you have inside you.” 

 

“Do you know what they said today?” Jensen threw the rhetorical question into the wind, Jared straining to listen, “they tell you to avoid friends and locations that bring back the memories of using drugs.” Jared didn’t know what to say. Was Jensen telling him he needed to be away from Jared? Away from Churches? It was, after all, the very crux of the whole Jared/Jensen situation. Jensen continued, his voice stronger, more certain, “They tell me, as if I didn’t know, that when something is highly rewarding, then we are gonna remember it vividly, and remember the circumstances of where it happened.”

 

“That’s true.” Jared tried not to inject the feelings of loss that were building inside him, at the expectation of Jensen saying he was leaving.

 

“Thing is, I never used when I was at Churches, but it is where I almost killed you.” Jensen’s voice was still so soft, and Jared manoeuvred him so they were face to face, wondering if Jensen was going to look at him. It was like a knife through him to see Jensen so pale, his freckles in stark relief, and his eyes so vividly green against the red soreness of exhaustion. 

 

“Dan was…” Jared paused, Dan was sorry, he wasn’t sorry about what he said, he was looking out for Jared, and Jared had failed to make him understand why Jared was doing what he was doing, and how he could love Jensen so much. “…that was my fault,” he finished simply, placing a finger on Jensen’s soft lips to stop him from talking in his defence. “Dan wasn’t labelling you as an addict and hating on you for that, it was just that he doesn’t understand my feelings in all this. Didn’t understand why I am wanting to be with you. I should make him see.”

 

“Jared, even I don’t understand what - ” Jared stopped the words with a firm kiss, lifting fingers to curl gently in Jensen’s short hair, cupping his partner’s head with his hands and tilting his head to deepen the kiss. Jensen returned the kiss with an edge of desperation, which Jared tried to gentle with soft words and kind touches.

 

That had been four weeks ago, and now Jensen knew the words by heart, the mantra of addiction, knew all about negative mood state, and that it was important to stay focused. He read the books, learned all he could about his drug of choice and the addiction he had fallen into. What Jared didn’t know was that Jensen was also learning about other things, victim support, Stockholm syndrome, co-dependency in victims and would be murderers, anything and everything that would or could explain away Jared’s insistent love for him. He found nothing. Not one book or Internet reference explained anything near what Jared was doing…what Jared _was_.

 

Jared said, so many times that Jensen now accepted it as truth, that if caught in time, a relapse can be merely a stumble on the pathway to recovery. It all sounded very clever, but Jensen still cursed the stumble and the knowledge that he almost fell. Jared was insistent. They needed to identify why Jensen had _stumbled_ and deal with the root. Hence, why, four weeks from that fateful day Jensen and Jared pulled up outside a simple two-story house with a yard and swings and the cheerful sign proclaiming that the Weaver family lived there.

 

There was no hesitation in leaving the car; Jensen didn’t worry or over think, he merely clambered out and stood tall, waiting for Jared to join him and then gripping tight to Jared’s hand before they walked up the path, avoiding toys and finally standing at the front door. Jensen knocked, Dan opened the door, ushered them in, leading them through to the kitchen.

 

He busied himself with coffee and finally the three men sat at the small kitchen table, and Dan was looking at Jared expectantly, quietly startled when it was Jensen that spoke.

 

“I’ve been attending…sessions,” he started simply, “addiction counselling, and some couples counselling with Jared.” Dan looked surprised, glancing at Jared briefly before returning his focus on the serious man sat opposite him. “I had to identify why I lost it so I can avoid it happening again. I know Jared told you what took place that day; that he had to stop me leaving Churches, that I let what you said make me try to run.” Dan opened his mouth to speak, probably wanting to defend how he felt, and Jensen just forged ahead, needing Jared’s friend to see that he understood that. “I just want to see what I can do to make this all easier.”

 

“Easier?” Dan seemed confused.

 

“Your friend Jared, it seems, is determined to stand by my side. I don’t fully understand how he can want that,” he looked at Jared with a self-deprecating smile, “and I probably never will. For Jared’s sake, for his friends, I want to know what I can do to convince you that I will try my damned hardest to be the best person I can be for Churches, and the kids, and for Jared.”

 

“Convince me?” Dan blinked and looked puzzled.

 

“What do I need to say?” Jared asked again, insistently, and watched as Dan shook his head, still looking confused. “I will you know, I will try, and it will be the first thing I have ever put my heart into, I…I love Jared…” he sensed Jared looking at him, probably shocked because that was the first time Jensen had admitted to it with feeling in front of anyone. “…for his sins Jared loves me, wants me to be well, and I want to be well…for him and for the kids I am working with.” Jensen sat back in his seat, pathetically pleased when Jared gripped his hand and held it close.

 

“I will never understand…” Dan started, his voice tailing off in thought, raising a hand to stop either of the other men talking over him, “…I wont say it again, you know how I feel about this, but it was ten years ago now, and I don’t know you very well Jensen. I know Jared well enough,” he smiled at his friend, “and, even when I said that to you, I knew it was wrong to shout it out like that. I’m not proud of doing that, but at the end of the day, the first boys, Mikey and Jay, me, Ryan, Mark…we only ever had each other, and it is hard to stop the worrying.”

 

Jensen nodded, trying not to let his low self-esteem pull him down. He needed to come off as confident and decisive and one hundred percent fixed. That was going to be difficult, but he owed it to Jared to try. “I wont push my way in,” he started, the group of Ben’s first lost boys was a unit that was so strong it was sometimes a daunting barrier.

 

“No, see…Jensen…that is it. You _need_ to push your way in…make us see you as a person distinct from what happened. To me, sometimes…it is almost like you hide behind Jared, and that isn’t right.” Jensen was agreeing to everything Dan believed, every word the other man was saying made complete sense. 

 

Jared tightened his grip on his lover’s hand, reassuring him…grounding him and Jensen smiled at him gratefully, he desperately needed to know the limits, the rules, what people expected from him, and to push himself out from hiding behind Jared. He could do that. When they arrived back at Churches, Jensen was feeling more centred, more at peace, the direction he needed to go in very clear. He needed to stop depending so much on Jared running interference, make himself stronger, more determined. It was going to start today, from this very minute, and he left the car, a much stronger man for making the decision. 

 

Jared followed him, catching up and gently smacking him upside the head with a chuckle, “you look so serious,” he offered, exchanging a grin with Jensen, dimples in his cheeks and a look of the devil in his eyes. Jensen loved this side of Jared; this mischievous childlike need to tease the stress away from Jensen when he sensed Jensen needed it. Jensen shrugged, stealing a quick kiss and walking into the warmer air inside the church, to be met by a pacing Ben and a quietly sobbing Gabriel. Jensen was suddenly disorientated with the scene in front of him, as Gabriel jumped from the pew and threw himself at him, hugging for dear life, Jensen pulling him in close and looking over the young boys head to Ben, who had momentarily stopped his pacing.

 

”What happened?” This from Jared who had moved to stand next to Jensen and Gabriel, a reassuring touch to the boy’s head.

 

“We had a visit from Gabriel’s father,” Ben spat out, agitated, and not something Jensen had seen from the old priest before.

 

“But the restraining order…” Jensen’s voice started strong, then he simply stopped as Gabriel tried to pull back, looking up with pleading eyes.

 

“He’s coming back to take me,” he stuttered, real fear in his eyes. Jensen held him gently by his upper arms. Gently because he knew the scars that Gabriel had on his young skin, put there by a father who was a borderline attempted child molester as far as Jensen could see.

 

“He’s not taking you anywhere,” Jensen promised quickly, moving to sit Gabriel down and crouching down beside him.

 

“What did he say?” Jared asked, his cell phone already in his hand, 911 on the screen, his finger poised over the connect icon. Ben crossed to him, placing his hand over the phone, a silent communication between the two men causing Jared to backspace the number and slide the cell back in his pocket.

 

“He came in threatening all kinds of stuff, irrational stuff, saying we were breaking laws and that we were holding Gabriel without his consent. I called child protection services, they are fully aware of what happened.”

 

“Where is he now?” Jared looked into the recesses of the church, suddenly alert to the fact that Gabriel’s father could still be here. 

 

Ben saw him looking and shook his head quickly, “he left, I threatened to call the cops on him and he left.”

 

”He said he’ll come back,” Gabriel sobbed and Jensen could see this was getting them nowhere, Gabriel was unravelling before his eyes.

 

“OK, lets move this to the kitchen, I think we need to get some perspective on this.” Jensen knew Ben tried to keep the cops out of the workings of Churches; a lot of his kids were runaways, some had broken laws to reach the sanctuary Churches offered, and Ben was not ever going to betray their trust in him. So Jensen’s first instinct wasn’t to phone the cops, but to phone Steve. “Jared, can you maybe call Steve and get him to come over here?” Steve was a private investigator, had his own company and provided security. He was a good person to dig everything up on Gabriel’s dad that maybe they didn’t know.

 

“I already called him,” Ben said softly, “he’s been working on finding out back story for this for a few weeks now,” Jensen arched his eyebrows, silently thanking Pastor Ben for his foresight, “he’s bringing over the reports we need.”

 

The three men and Gabriel subsided into an uneasy silence. Jared watching Jensen for signs of fraying at the edges, Gabriel staring at the table, Jensen watching Gabriel as near-silent tears tracked down the boy’s face, and Ben watching it all with careful consideration. They did talk, Jensen mostly, reassuring Gabriel from a legal point of view, suddenly wishing he knew more family law, and also from a friends point of view. “No one is taking you anywhere.” 

 

Steve arrived only ten minutes later, bringing with him a pile of print outs, his laptop and a memory stick. “Why don’t you go get a nap or something?” Steve said quietly, nodding his head at Gabriel who simply looked back at him with a look of disgust.

 

”I’m sixteen, this is my problem, and you aren’t gonna tell me anything I don’t already know.” Steve half smiled, and Jensen felt a rush of pride at the calm way Gabriel had answered Steve.

 

“OK…” he rifled papers, “so, turns out he has quite a colourful past, called in several times for suspected spousal abuse, and then of course the…stuff…with Gabe.”

 

”Gabriel,” Jared said quickly.

 

“Erm…’K…Gabriel…sorry. Yeah, the things that happened to Gabriel…and of course the fact that somehow he managed to pull together bail to get out of jail.”

 

“My mom’s money, from her insurance.” Gabriel started, and then couldn’t say anymore, that was enough. Steve carried on with the details, dates, times, the usual.

 

“So we have two weeks ‘til trial, I wouldn’t have expected him to show his hand like this, nothing in his records indicates someone who pushes himself forward in situations like this, and to be honest I would have thought he was too much of a coward. Happier to beat on women and kids than actually confront people protecting his son.”

 

“He must know that CPS is involved? That I live here, that Jensen is here a lot of the time?” Jared sounded puzzled, how would someone who appeared to have little backbone have the guts to face off with the people surrounding his son. 

 

“He knew it was just me and Ben,” Gabriel interrupted, “he said so…” Ben looked pained, not realising Gabriel had heard everything his dad had said.

 

“I sent you…” Ben started to defend, then realised it didn’t matter if he had sent Gabriel to his room or not, as the determined youngster would definitely hide on the stairs and listen, he was far from stupid.

 

“That makes sense, scoping the place out, wait for Jared and I to leave, knowing there wasn’t a church service, choosing his time.” Jensen’s voice grew harder as he spoke, harder and more determined. “Fucking bastard.”

 

“We need to watch this carefully,” Ben suggested, “very closely.”

 

+++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen followed Gabriel to the yard, his head spinning with everything he had heard, wondering what the hell he was going to say to the young man that looked to him for protection and guidance.

 

“I’m sorry Jensen,” Gabriel started quickly, “I didn’t know he would follow me, or that he would even know where I was.”

 

“It isn’t a secret you are here Gabriel, and whatever gets thrown at us we will deal with it.”

 

So many emotions crossed Gabriel’s face it was difficult to make them out. Jensen saw fear, resignation, and sadness, watched as Gabriel’s features settled on fear. Jensen didn’t hesitate. He loved it when Jared hugged him, when Jared was able to make everything better just by touch, and without conscious thought he pulled Gabriel into a tight hug, pairing it with reassuring phrases. 

 

They never saw the hate in the man’s eyes, or the wicked curved knife he held in his hand. They never saw him move, as he brought the knife up above his head, and hesitated just two seconds too long. Long enough for his son to raise his head and see him, pulling the taller man who was _touching_ his son freely, back and away. The knife plunged into the tall man at an acute angle, blood instantaneous, and victory immediate.

 

He didn’t wait to watch the bleeding man die, just grabbed at Gabriel’s hair, twisting his hands savagely and dragging him back to the trees at the rear of the property.

 

No fucking child was going to get him prison time.


	5. Chapter 5

It was like someone had just pushed him to the ground, the knife carving through skin and muscle and impacting on his shoulder blade. Jensen was stunned, disorientated, couldn’t see up from down, only knowing that Gabe had been ripped from his arms and was being dragged away from him, feet scrabbling on the hard soil and his whimpers of pain pushing through Jensen’s fog of blood and shock. He tried to stand, but his vision was blurring, his head spinning and the only thing he could do was shout for help, for Jared, for Steve, anyone. Unconsciousness tugged hard and he splayed his hands to push himself to all fours, suddenly feeling hands on him, hurried words of concern, knew it was Jared.

 

“Gabe.” Jensen managed to force out, “m’ok…get Gabe,” hands still held him, pushing something against the bleeding, but he saw Jared sprint the length of the yard to the copse of trees behind, disappearing in an instant.

 

++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared caught up to the scrabbling boy and the furious man before they had got too far into the cover. In fact when Jared got there they had just reached a dark tatty SUV that he assumed Gabe’s father had hidden to the back of the Churches property. He didn’t wait to ask questions, Gabe’s eyes were wide with fear, screams in his throat as his father ripped and dragged at his hair, the knife at his throat. Some instinct inside Jared knew that if he gave the father time to react to his presence, then it would turn into some kind of bizarre standoff. He simply launched his full bodyweight at the older man, diving at an angle, the knife tumbling in a gory arc of blood as it sliced through Jared’s skin and tumbled to the floor. He didn’t feel pain as adrenalin pumped through his body and he pushed Gabe’s father face first in the soil, and the pale cherry blossom that had fallen from the trees around them, leaning a hand on the back of his head. Blood was running freely from the wound and sliding inexorably in a path of vivid scarlet but Jared couldn’t make sense of it. 

 

Gabe’s father struggled against him, he was shorter than Jared, but he was strong, and Jared stumbled back, reaching for the knife, pushing it out of the other man’s reach to stop this now. He was still aggressive under him, but with a few well place punches the man slid into unconsciousness, a crumpled heap on the floor, Jared sitting back on his haunches and pulling Gabe in to check him over. Gabe was sobbing into his neck, gripping tight, and Jared hooked out his cell, tapping 911 and reporting the attack, being assured someone had called it in, that someone was coming to help. He looked back at where he knew Jensen was laying, knew Steve was there with him, wanting to go back, scared… _how seriously had Jensen been hurt?_

 

“Jared,” Jensen’s voice calling, the noise behind them and suddenly Jensen was there, holding a shirt to the blood on him and looking so worried, so scared.

 

”Its OK,” Jared reassured, standing up and pulling Gabe with him, feeling dizziness wash over him, blood running freely down his face, his neck, across the front of his shirt, and idly he brushed at it, looking down at the red that marked him, not sure where so much blood had come from, and looking direct into Jensen’s eyes. Eyes that were full of panic, of fear. It was the last thing he saw as he fell to the floor, black filling his head, and a buzzing in his ears.

 

When Jensen reached them the knife was on the ground, Gabe’s father was unconscious and Gabe was sobbing in Jared’s arms. Relief flooded him, the cops and the paramedics would be here any minute and this was finally over. He called his lover’s name, watching him turn, seeing hazel skin with a pallor of grey and blood. Blood dripping from his head, his shoulder, his hands, onto the white and pale pink of the blossoms on the floor. It was OK. It wasn’t the same as the snow. The blood against the white. Jared was OK, he wasn’t dying, and the blood was from… the blood… Jensen looked direct into Jared’s changeable eyes, seeing something there, fear, resignation, and then they seemed to roll back, and in a matter of seconds Jared was on the floor. A crimson bed was spreading around him from a wound across his scar, his throat, dripping blood, not oozing, he was bleeding out, and Jensen was near on whimpering at the scarlet liquid scattering in random patterns over and around Jared.

 

Jensen didn’t move, only watched in horror as Jared fell to the floor, Gabe still in his grasp, being pulled down with him, Then he couldn’t stop himself, falling to his knees in the white blossom scooping scarlet streams into his hands and finding the source, a deep cut across Jared’s neck, lifting pleading eyes to Steve… he didn’t know what to do…

 

“They’re coming,” Steve reassured, dropping to crouch by Jared, and before he could even touch him the cops were there, pushing him and Jensen both aside, the paramedics there, touching Jared, pulling at him, calling out sats, bothering Jensen, wanting to get him to lie down, when all Jensen wanted to do was watch Jared, help Jared.

 

”Sir…can you…sir…”

 

“Jensen…move back… Jensen…let them do their work…JENSEN…”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“Jensen?” Steve’s voice was low as he sat in the chair next to Jensen, the noises of the ER spinning around them in a hum of controlled confusion, “what did they say?”

 

“They wont talk to me, but Pastor Ben is in there, and…” Jensen paused, “…his mom…she’s on her way.” Steve grimaced, there wasn’t a lot of love lost between Jared’s family and Jensen, they barely passed civil, but Steve knew Jensen didn’t expect anything else.

 

“And you?” he indicated the bandages showing under Jensen’s thin hospital gown, knowing that whilst Jensen’s wounds hadn’t been life threatening there had still been extensive damage. 

 

“Pain meds, some nerve damage maybe,” Jensen offered like it was nothing more than a grocery list, shrugging his shoulder and wincing at the pain, “where’s Gabe?”

 

“Chris has him, back at Churches, he’s OK, well as OK as we can expect I guess.” Jensen seemed to visibly shrink at his words, suddenly quiet and vacant. “It wasn’t your fault,” Steve hurried out, knowing exactly what was going through his friend’s head.

 

“You don’t fucking know that Steve, it was me that pushed Gabe for emancipation, me that said we would protect him, me that - ”

 

“And you did, you protected him, you both ended up in hospital because you were looking out for him, so man, you have got to stop thinking this way.” Jensen looked mutinous, like he was going to argue back, and Steve stiffened his spine for the argument that he knew was going to happen. A doctor standing over them stopped the defence of his friend’s character in mid flow.

 

“Doctor?” Jensen stumbled to stand, pushing himself up against Steve, and grunting with the exertion.

 

”I can’t give you details, but so you know, Mr Padalecki is resting quietly, under sedation.”

 

“He’s OK?”

 

“Not out of the woods yet, but it’s looking good,” a beeper sounded and the doctor absently looked at the screen, turning to leave with no more words, leaving Jensen weaving on his feet and Steve trying to support him.

 

”I want to see him,” Jensen said firmly, the edge of spoilt rich kid in his voice, almost ordering Steve to sort it, then in the same breath realising what he was doing. “Shit…I’m sorry,” he offered, half apologising, half pleading, “I just want…Steve… all that blood, it was like…” 

 

Steve nodded, knowing what Jensen was going to say, that it had brought back memories of the accident and gripping his friend’s arms he looked him direct into his hazel green eyes, and said what was in his heart, “Jared will be fine.”

 

++++++++++++++++++++

 

Gabe was quiet and Chris wasn’t entirely sure how he should be dealing with this. The cops had just left, taken statements from Gabe, left him at Churches and informed child welfare of the situation. Chris had fobbed them off, Gabe was fine, Gabe was calm, and yes Chris and the team were here to deal with it. They believed him, said they would send out someone the next day, to process the paperwork, knowing that Gabe’s legal emancipation was only weeks away and there was little they were responsible for now.

 

Dan arrived, his wife in tow, kind of took control, leaving Chris and Gabe sat in the pew at the front of the church, Gabe’s head bent as if he was at prayer, the slight shaking of his shoulders the only indication of his tears.

 

Chris really didn’t know what to do for the best. Should he touch Gabe, hug him; support him, maybe just talk? What would Jared do? Jared was touchy feely, he would hug, and in a slide to the left Chris placed an arm across Gabe’s shoulders, feeling the young boy snuggle into the space with a muffled sob. Chris sat there for a long while, until shadows lengthened and they were cold with the cool interior of the stone church.

 

”Wanna get a hot drink?” Chris finally said, in his lowest, calmest voice, feeling rather than seeing Gabe nod, and with a stretch he stood, holding out a hand and pulling Gabe to his feet.

 

They stood in the kitchen silently, Dan’s wife fussing over Gabe, and Chris watched as Gabe even managed a small smile over her ministrations. His cell vibrated and he slipped it from his pocket, “Steve?” all talking stopped in the kitchen, Dan hovering at the door, listening to Chris’s end of the conversation, “OK…” there was a long pause as he listened to Steve talk, “I’ll tell them…” he disconnected the call, “Jared is out of surgery, they had to repair a cut in an artery, he is stable and sleeping, and Jensen is staying at the hospital with him. Steve is coming back.”

 

Gabe just nodded; Jared was going to be OK.

 

++++++++++++++++++

 

When they moved Jared away from the OR and up to a room he was still unconscious Jensen sat next to him willing him to wake up. It was early in the morning of the next day that he woke up, staring straight at Jensen, one single word on his lips, _Gabe?_

 

“Hey, he’s fine, Chris and Steve are looking after him, and Ben went back to Churches.” Jared nodded, closing his eyes, and Jensen felt disappointment wash over him, he wanted Jared awake and talking. Jared reached out his hand, looking for Jensen’s, grabbing and holding tight, turning his face and breathing deeply, before opening his eyes.

 

“You OK?” he half whispered, concern twisting his face, as Jensen bent his head and nodded, Jared could see something wasn’t right, but he was so damn tired, he couldn’t push through it, couldn’t begin to form sentences. If Jensen was considering giving in, was going to use what had happened, as an excuse for a relapse then there was nothing Jared could do from his hospital bed. Except for may be… he curled his hand into Jensen’s gripping tight, “please don’t leave me,” he said simply, Jensen raising his gaze and squeezing Jared’s hand in return.

 

“I wont” was all he said in return. 

 

Sighing Jared closed his eyes again, “M’tired,” he mumbled, meds making his tongue stumble over simple words.

 

++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared was signed out after four days, interviewed by the cops and making his statement, then standing kind of helplessly in his hospital room, wondering what was next. Jensen had disappeared about an hour ago, just when the cops showed up, knowing that Jared had to give his statement on his own, and Jared really needed him here. He had been poked and prodded and fussed over enough and all he wanted was to go home. Crossing to the window he looked out over the lawned area to the right of the hospital, small seating areas for families and patients under tall trees, and there, sat on his own, shoulders hunched and his head in his hands, was Jensen. Jared touched his fingers to the glass, framing the distant figure with his hand, wondering what it was that Jensen was thinking, wishing he could just go over there and…

 

Decision made he walked to the door, like some kind of ninja, passing the nurse on duty, reception and security until he stood outside, crossing to where Jensen sat and moving to sit next to him on the bench.

 

“Hey,” he began softly, “ready to get me out of this place?” Jensen lifted his head, blinking at the interruption, obviously lost deep in thought, and smiled.

 

“Hey back,” Jensen offered, claiming Jared’s hand in a gentle hold, “sorry Jay, I was just thinking.”

 

“Want to tell the class?” 

 

“Just something your mom said?” Jensen started, and Jared could feel sudden steel in his spine at those simple words, if his mom had caused more problems, if she had said one word against Jensen… “She just said it was obvious what a good man you had grown into. A forgiving man.” Jared winced. Forgiving? Shit that didn’t sound good.

 

“And?”

 

“And nothing, that is all she said, well apart from the bit where she said you loved me and that I was a bloody idiot if I didn’t see that I loved you too. Oh and also if the man that was left for dead was willing to forgive me then perhaps I should consider forgiving myself.” Jensen half smiled as Jared’s eyes widened comically.

 

“Mom said that?” 

 

“Came straight out with it, just like commenting on the weather or something.”

 

Jared had so many questions, how did that make Jensen feel, was he capable of forgiving himself, why was he sat outside on this damn cold bench over thinking things? He didn’t ask any of them, sending a quick mental thank you to his mom who he knew had gone home the day before, and then just standing, holding out his hand to the man he loved and encouraging him to stand.

 

Jensen hesitated, only for a few seconds, wanting to remember this moment as he stood and buried his face into Jared’s chest, feeling strong arms wrapping around him, and the smell of hospital as he inhaled. Coming that close to maybe losing Jared, that close to watching the only person he had ever really unselfishly loved bleed out onto the blossom on the ground… well it had given him a small amount of perspective.

 

Holding on to his guilt, not forgiving himself, they were key elements in the rocky road to staying clean. Jared’s mom had said a lot more, words that he would never tell Jared. She said that every day he held blame and guilt was a day he was hurting Jared, and if he loved Jared then he needed to start letting go, looking to the future instead of burying himself in wrongs of the past. She tried to make him see it wasn’t his fault Gabe’s father had tried to snatch him, told Jensen that he should see that he had been helping and that he wasn’t in control of all the variables; that he never would be.

 

Jensen knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but for his sins Jared stuck with him. He lifted his face to Jared’s leaning up to kiss even as Jared bent to meet in the middle. The kiss was gentle, simple, perfect, then grew a lot more heated until they pulled apart, breathing heavy and both hard and needy.

 

“Home?” Jensen asked softly? Home to Churches, home to the kids, home to a future free of drugs, just home.

 

“Not soon enough,” Jared replied. Unspoken was the love that was between them, a love that had snared them both from nowhere, that had scrambled from snow and blood and hell, and had grown into something special.

 

“Come on then, times a wasting,” Jensen drawled, guiding Jared back to the hospital for bags and forms, humming under his breath.

 

“Jen, are you humming Metalica?”

 

Jensen blushed, “its something I do when I’m happy.”

 

“Metalica?”

 

“Happy, sad, nervous, scared, ill, well… Metalica.”

 

“I want a divorce.”

 

“Not even married dude.”

 

”Maybe one day?” Jared offered hesitantly. Jensen just smiled the biggest smile ever, tripping down the kerb and steadying himself against the rock that was his tall giant of a lover.

 

“One day. For sure.”


End file.
